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  For Ethan

  Prologue

  “Daddy?”

  Nat’s voice on the phone was small and tremulous. She hadn’t called her father daddy since she was a little girl. Hadn’t called him at all since she’d graduated from high school, since she’d moved to New York, since she’d started her new life. Their estrangement was not Nat’s fault; her dad had made his indifference clear when he’d abandoned his wife and ten-year-old daughter to start over in Nevada. Their relationship had dwindled to a few irregular e-mails, the occasional Christmas gift, an infrequent fifty-dollar bill tucked into a birthday card. There was a vast distance between Natalie and Andrew Murphy—emotionally and geographically—but she had nowhere else to turn.

  “Natalie?” At least he knew it was her. Nat was his only child, as far as she was aware. Of course, her father could have built another family during their years apart, but those children would be babies. Or toddlers, maybe. They would not be calling him, in tears, from a police station. “Hold on a sec,” he said.

  Her dad was in a bar, or a restaurant, possibly a casino. Through the phone, she could hear jovial voices, the clinking of glasses. Was that the dinging of a slot machine? Andrew Murphy had been living in Vegas for almost twelve years now. She wondered how often he’d thought about the little girl he’d left behind, so bruised and damaged, so shaped by her father’s desertion. Nat had refused to be defined by this one incident, to allow it to haunt her. But a psychologist would have a field day with her backstory, especially now. A mental-health professional might even blame Andrew for what his daughter had done. For the crime she had committed.

  On her father’s end of the phone, a door slammed and the background noise ceased. Her dad was in a bathroom, or a storage closet, or a soundproof office. All she could hear now was the thudding of her own heart.

  “It’s been a long time,” he said, sounding awkward, formal. “How are you?”

  There was no time for small talk. “I’m in trouble.”

  “What kind of trouble?”

  “I’m at the Chelsea police precinct. In New York. I—I’ve been arrested.”

  “Jesus Christ, Nat. For what?”

  She opened her mouth, but the words wouldn’t come. How could she tell him what she had done? He was a stranger to her, and she to him. But she needed his help, needed his money . . . if he had any. Her mom could not afford to help her—that she knew. Her distant father was her only option. And he had to rescue her because, in a way, this was all his fault. If her dad had loved her, cared for her, been there for her, Nat would have made different choices.

  She pressed her mouth to the phone, kept her voice low in the crowded, frenetic room. The words, when they came, sounded surprisingly calm. Flat even. Oddly devoid of emotion.

  “I killed someone,” she said.

  * * *

  Four Months Earlier

  * * *

  1

  * * *

  The Roommates

  The first thing Nat noticed when she awoke was the taste in her mouth: metallic, burnt, chemical. Jesus . . . What had she drunk last night? The pounding in her head answered: too much. She reached for the glass of water sitting on the floor next to her mattress. The tepid liquid soothed her parched throat but made her stomach churn and roll. She flopped back down, willing the nausea to abate. She didn’t want to vomit into her overflowing wastebasket. And she didn’t want to stumble through the apartment to the tiny bathroom she shared with her two roommates. Her insides were just starting to settle when she noticed Miguel, sprawled on his back, snoring softly beside her.

  Shit.

  Nat must have been really wasted to have brought her coworker home. Again. She had made a vow not to hook up with Miguel anymore. Not because he wasn’t sweet, and funny, and hot—he was. But he was also a little in love with her, and she didn’t want that to turn into a lot in love with her. They were just twenty-one, both students who worked at the same bar. A relationship with Miguel would be complicated, was bound to get messy. Nat had already been involved in one toxic, twisted, ultimately catastrophic relationship. She wasn’t going to do complicated and messy again.

  She lay there, for a moment, observing her sleeping partner. Next to Miguel’s warm, brown back, Nat’s naked body looked fish-belly pale. Her father’s Gaelic genes, the dismal winter weather, and her poor diet were to blame. When Nat was properly nourished and getting adequate sunshine, her skin was peaches and cream, in pleasing contrast to her thick dark hair. When she was perpetually bundled in a winter coat, hat, and scarf, subsisting on packaged ramen and frozen pierogies, her pallor became ghostly, her hair a flat, mousy brown. She needed sunshine, citrus fruit, and protein. But Mother Nature, and her bank account, were conspiring against her.

  The third thing she noticed that morning—after the toxic taste in her mouth, the pounding in her head, and the bartender in her bed—was the noise from the kitchen. A cupboard door banged aggressively. Pots and pans crashed together as they were dropped into the sink. Her roommates were pissed about something and were relaying it in their usual passive-aggressive manner.

  “I’m so fucking over this.”

  The muffled voice belonged to Mara, an angular, ginger-haired NYU student. She was getting her master’s in economics. Or was it political science? Something dry, dull, cerebral—at least to an art student like Nat. Mara was intense and easily irritated and borderline OCD. What normal college student organized her canned goods by expiration date? Cleaned the fridge and sink twice a week with a bleach solution? Carried her toiletries back and forth from her bedroom to the bathroom, because, if left there, they’d be contaminated, with . . . what? Mildew? Urine? Feces?

  “You were right,” Toni grumbled, loud enough for Nat to hear, “we shouldn’t have let an artist move in with us.” The jab smarted. Toni and Nat had been friendly when Nat first rented the spare room in the Bushwick apartment, a couple years ago. Unlike Mara, Toni was funny, messy, normal. Nat had felt an instant affinity for the girl with the bright smile, dark skin, and thick mass of braided hair. The pair had stayed up late drinking wine on a few occasions, had bonded over their love of salacious reality television and their adulation of Mariah Carey. But they’d grown apart recently. Toni was a fourth-year nursing student now, who kept long and grueling hours. Apparently, she no longer had time for trash TV. Or a sense of humor.

  There was another bang, a jar being slammed onto the countertop, and more cursing from one of the roomies. Nat knew she had to get up, had to apologize, had to make things right. The rent for her tiny bedroom in the rundown apartment was straining her budget, and she was already on unofficial probation after breaking Mara’s Crock-Pot. A note had been slipped under her door after she’d attempted to cook a frozen pot roast and cracked the ceramic vessel.

  If you can’t respect my appliances and use them as per instructions, I’m going to have to reconsider your tenancy.

  Mara’s name was on the lease, which gave her the power to choose her roommates. It was obvious she wanted rid of the messy, hard-partying art student in the third bedroom. Nat wasn’t even sure what she had done to anger them this time, but she hoped it wouldn’t constitute a second strike. Her Bushwick home was affordable (just), safe (relatively), and accessible (f
orty-two minutes by subway) to the Manhattan campus of the School of Visual Arts. Nat had to get out there and kiss some roommate ass.

  Ignoring her throbbing head and roiling belly, she dragged herself out of bed. Miguel didn’t stir. How could he sleep through the ruckus? Nat’s yellowing terry-cloth robe hung from a hook on the door, and she grabbed it, wrapping the musty garment around her. She noted then that she was still wearing panties. Maybe she and Miguel hadn’t had sex? She felt disgusted with herself for not remembering. The night’s events were hazy, blurry, jumbled. She’d gone to her job at Donnelly’s bar after her illustration class. Her lover had slipped her a few shots of vodka to get her through her waitressing shift. After closing, they’d shared a bottle of wine, and maybe a few Paralyzers. Or had they been White Russians? She definitely had to cut back on her drinking.

  She stumbled into the kitchen and spotted the offending mess. A couple of pots were stacked in the sink. An open jar of tomato sauce, its contents dripping down the side, sat in a red ring on the table. It came to her in a flash of remembrance: pasta. She and Miguel had been hungry when they got home. Nat had made them rigatoni with jarred marinara. They’d sat at the tiny kitchen table and ate. And then Miguel was touching her, and kissing her, and they’d ended up in bed. Clearly, they had not halted their foreplay to wash the dishes.

  “Sorry, guys. I’ll clean this up.”

  Mara whirled around, her ubiquitous bleach spray in hand. “You should have cleaned up last night.”

  “I know. I screwed up.”

  Toni, pouring coffee from a French press into a chipped mug, didn’t look up. “If you’re hungry at four A.M., go to a diner.”

  Nat remembered Miguel’s suggestion to that effect. But she barely had enough money to cover her next tuition installment, and it wasn’t looking good for her rent. Even a burger would have broken the budget. Miguel would have paid, she knew, but his finances had to be tight, too. She hadn’t wanted to feel beholden to him, so she had offered to cook. And then, they’d ended up in bed.

  “Toni and I aren’t comfortable with all the guys you’ve been bringing home,” Mara said, attacking the tomato sauce on the table as if she were cleaning up a chemical spill.

  Nat felt her cheeks flush, a combination of humiliation and anger. All the guys? She could count on one hand the number of men she’d brought home since she’d been living there. Nat was not promiscuous; she was twenty-one. And her roommates weren’t exactly virgins. Mara had had a fling with one of her TAs just last year. And Toni used to have noisy sex with a hot computer science student, back when she drank wine and watched The Bachelor, and laughed, on occasion. Both her roommates needed to lighten up, probably needed to get laid.

  Nat kept her voice calm. “I don’t bring home many guys.”

  Toni smirked. “Really? Isn’t there a guy in your bed right now?”

  “No,” Nat lied.

  “We heard his voice last night,” Mara sniped.

  “It’s not what you think,” Nat retorted. “A friend from work walked me home. Friday nights are crazy at the bar, and we were hungry and exhausted, I made us some pasta and invited him to crash.”

  It might have been true. She was still wearing her panties, after all.

  She watched the other women exchange a look. Was it doubt? Skepticism? Or guilt? Yes, that’s what it was. They felt bad for accusing her when they didn’t have all the facts. Nat hammered the nail in.

  “I’d appreciate not being slut-shamed when I was only helping out a colleague.”

  “Sorry,” mumbled Toni, dunking her lips into her coffee.

  Mara kept scrubbing, probably formulating an articulate apology.

  That’s when Miguel walked into the kitchen—rumpled from sleep, hungover, handsome. And stark naked.

  “Is everything okay out here?” he said, hands inadequately covering his crotch. “I heard banging. . . .”

  Nat observed the expression on her roommates’ faces. This time, it could not be misconstrued.

  Validation. And disapproval.

  2

  * * *

  The Commute

  On Monday, Nat took the subway into Manhattan. Outside, it was a brisk February morning, but the press of bodies in the car precipitated a drastic rise in temperature. She unfurled the fuzzy gray scarf from around her neck and lowered the zipper on her thrift-store wool coat. She kept her knitted gloves on. Public transit was crawling with germs.

  The L train from Jefferson Street station took her directly into Manhattan, to Third Avenue and Fourteenth Street, just a ten-minute walk from the School of Visual Art’s main campus. The train was packed, as was the norm when she had morning classes. Nat was lucky to get a seat, even if she was wedged between an overweight guy who smelled like salami and a kid whose music was so loud she could hear every word of the rap song he was listening to through his headphones.

  She kept her eyes on the floor—the big guy next to her precluded her digging her phone out of her coat pocket—her gaze blank. Locals didn’t gawk at the colorful cast of characters sharing their morning commute. More than two years in the city, and it still gave her a little thrill to think of herself that way. As a local. A New Yorker. Not many kids from Blaine, Washington, made it all the way to New York City. To Seattle, sure. Some adventurous types might get as far as San Francisco. But Nat had outdone them all.

  She was ten the first time she realized she was destined to outgrow her hometown. The community of roughly five thousand people abutting the Canadian border on a briny stretch of the Pacific was quaint, picturesque, comfortable. . . . It had a seedy side, too, a kind of darkness, a toughness peculiar to the region. But it was too provincial, too constricting for an artistic soul; she knew it even then. Her father must have had a similar revelation, because that’s when he walked out on Nat and her mom. It had been a difficult marriage, and Andrew Murphy was a hard man to love. He was prone to angry outbursts, long silences, critical diatribes (he would later blame his undiagnosed depression). Nat and her mother had wept when he stormed out, never to return. But it was his rejection, more than his absence, that hurt. It didn’t take long for them to realize they were better off without him.

  While Nat resented her father’s desertion, she also envied it. Her dad had been restless, bored, and unhappy, so he had packed up and left his wife and only child. He’d gone to work as a pit boss in a big flashy casino. Did the glitz of Las Vegas provide the stimulation he’d missed in Blaine? The excitement his wife and young daughter couldn’t provide? Nat was angry at him; she hated him. But this didn’t stop her fantasizing about a life with him in Sin City.

  They would live in a small apartment just off the strip. At night, when her dad worked, she’d wander the neon city, a girl alone under the lights. She’d meet blackjack dealers and showgirls, acrobats and mafiosos. In her fantasies, her dad was a peripheral character. Natalie was effectively an orphan; a debauched Pippi Longstocking.

  But Nat was not as selfish as her father. She could not abandon her mom . . . though she needn’t have worried about Allana Murphy. The woman was blond and beautiful, only thirty-five when her husband left her. The suitors were at the door as soon as word got out. (The dating pool was small but active in a town that size.) Her mom had a handful of boyfriends over the next couple of years, no one to whom Nat had gotten attached. And then, when Natalie was thirteen, her mom married Derek Heppner. He was a big man, a builder, with a reddish-blond beard that made him look like a Viking. He adored her mother, and had seemed fond of Natalie, at first. But then everything changed, and Nat knew she could leave. Knew she had to leave.

  Salami-guy got off at Bedford Avenue, his vacated seat quickly taken by a hipster who emanated a distinctly foresty fragrance. Nat was grateful her new neighbor didn’t smell like cold cuts, but she may have been allergic to his beard oil. She wrinkled her nose in an effort to stave off a sneeze.

  No matter how uncomfortable her commute, how tight her budget, or how lonely she sometimes f
elt in the giant, anonymous city, Nat never regretted her cross-country move. Living in New York wasn’t supposed to be easy. It was hard, but it was worth it. Especially for an artist, like Natalie. She fed off the creativity running rampant through these hallowed streets, drawing inspiration from the artists who came before her. The city nourished her soul, stimulated her mind, filled her entire body with a humming, vibrating, energy.

  New York meant possibility.

  Her life, had she stayed in Blaine, was easy to imagine. She would have gone to a nearby college and studied something practical: accounting, or marketing, maybe. She’d have gotten a job at a bank, or in an office, or at the duty-free store. Her sketching would have been relegated to a hobby until life got too busy and she gave it up all together. She would have married Cole, her handsome high school boyfriend, and had a couple of kids before she was thirty. They would have settled into a small but comfortable home, purchased with a down payment provided by Cole’s parents, who owned several fishing boats and a mail company servicing Canadians who wanted to avoid cross-border shipping fees. And then . . . and then what?

  Would Cole Doberinsky have been a domineering husband, dictating her clothes, her hobbies, her friends? He was the only child of wealthy parents; he was used to having things his way. When they’d dated, Nat had seen glimmers of a controlling nature. He texted her constantly, required instant responses. He needed to know where she was and who she was with. What she was doing, thinking, feeling . . . But she had never considered him obsessive, had not considered him dangerous.

  Until he broke into her house.

  She suddenly felt queasy, but it was not motion sickness, not a reaction to the abundance of fragrances wafting around her. It was the memory of Cole and that night, shortly after she’d articulated her plans to leave Blaine, that turned her stomach. He’d been hurt and angry when she ended it. She’d regret this, he’d said. After all, he came from money, a stable home, had been accepted into a nearby business school. Nat was the product of a messy divorce, a low-income upbringing, was heading down a dead-end career path. He’d been mean and condescending. But she could never have predicted what he had done.